I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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