I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
