i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
