Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
