my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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