I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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