It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
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