I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
