i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
