don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
