How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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