dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
