dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
