saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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