hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
My bed smells like the plague
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