awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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