So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
