Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
