I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
