so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
i think we sleep fucked last night...
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
