My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
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I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
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Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
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