I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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