My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
