I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
