A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I feel like a drive thru vagina
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
