it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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