I'm so fucking centered right now
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
