just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Randomize
