You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
