I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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