Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
