ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
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Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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