it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
