Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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