I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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