when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
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I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
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I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
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