Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Randomize
