she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
