mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
