I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
