I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Randomize
