if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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