who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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