So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
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