so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
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I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
we should paint friendship bongs
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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