i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
