on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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