he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
