just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
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