If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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