i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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