he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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