This dress was meant to end up on your floor
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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