when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
