i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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