so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I have aggressive nipples.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
