I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
