If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
